How to Craft a Leaner, Meaner Message
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On this week’s episode, I discuss the pitfalls of wordiness and the power of precision.
If you've ever wondered how to make your words pack a punch — this is the episode for YOU.
Whether you're an entrepreneur, a dreamer, or someone looking to up their writing game, these insights are a game-changer.
No fluff, just powerful writing techniques.
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(This is transcribed by 🤖 so please excuse the funky sentence breaks, misplaced periods, and typos. The robots are doing their best!)
[00:00:00] So when you're writing powerfully, you're saying the damn thing. You're not putting in all those wishy-washy, nebulous little filler words to water down what you're saying. You wanna say the big powerful thing.Hello and welcome to the Copy Lab podcast, the marketing and business podcast that teaches you how to write better, sell more, and ignite your business even if you suck at writing. I'm your host Sara Estes, entrepreneur, copywriter, marketing strategist, and founder of Copy Tiger, where I help change makers, disruptors, and dreamers get their message to the masses.
Let's get started.
Hello, hello and welcome to this week's episode of Copy Lab. I am super excited to be here with you, as always. Now, the Hot Goss for this week is the, I don't know if you guys have seen this, but Copy Chief is doing an. Absolutely incredible event in Nashville in October. No, I'm not an affiliate. No, I'm not a sponsor of this event.
I am just a very enthusiastic ticket purchaser and I am so excited for it. If you haven't seen the lineup, it includes total legends like Paris Lampropolus, Daniel Throssell, who I absolutely love. If you have not gotten on his email list, please do. It is absolutely. An adventure and fun and super cold, totally free.
Um, we've got Laura Belgrade's gonna be there, Taylor Welsh, Chris Zaki, and just so many others. Oh, Brian Kurtz and Cole Schafer, who is a Nashville. Uh, another Nashville copywriter, which is awesome. Um, Sean ttw, Lucas Rusky, and of course Kevin Rogers, which is amazing. If you don't listen to the Copy Chief podcast, you.
Definitely should be. It is fabulous. Um, so I am just thrilled that this event is gonna be in Nashville. If you don't know, I live in Nashville. It's my hometown, so it's gonna be super cool to have basically the world's greatest copywriters in my city for a weekend. So I am just counting down the weeks, the months, until that event happens.
Um, I haven't been to a ton of conferences and copywriting events. Mostly because, well, there was a pandemic and then I just haven't found ones that I've really wanted to go to recently. So this one is gonna be amazing and just lucky that it is in my hometown. So if anyone listening is gonna be at that event, please hit me up and let me know because I will probably wanna hang out and I'll be there and we should meet up and that would be awesome.
So let's dive right into today's episode. Today I wanna talk about how to fix a very, very common problem that I see all the time in copywriting. And that is too many words. And the way to fix this problem is simply, Remove all the useless filler words. And this is actually something that Marie Forleo teaches in her Copy Cure course, which is absolutely amazing.
But it's one of those like kind of nitty gritty writing techniques that I think is absolutely crucial to any copywriter out there. And it's a good way to go back and edit existing copy if you're trying to figure out why it's just not working. So maybe you're an entrepreneur who has a copy on their website, has, you know, emails going out, but they're not really.
Where you want them to be, this might be the problem. So I want you to listen to this episode and then take these lessons and go back and look at what you've written and evaluate it through these lenses. And it's gonna be a huge help, I promise. And if you're, if you're writing right now, then take a look at what you're working on and filter it through these editing processes.
Alright, so there are a few segments to this. The first segment is going to be about cooling it on the adjectives and adverbs. Now, this is one of those things that gets talked about a lot, yet I still see it all the time. So, little grammar refresher and adjective is a word that describes a noun typically.
And an adverb is a word that typically describes a verb. So these can be really wonderful parts of ascendance when they're used very, very sparingly. But that takes a lot of restraint and most people don't realize that. So the best way that I know how to talk about this particular, um, issue is to show you before and after examples.
That I think brings it home the best, rather than just saying, Hey, you should cut out your adverbs, or you should cut out, you know, so many adjectives. So what we're gonna do here today is we are gonna do a little bit of before and after makeover sentences. So I'm gonna read a sentence that is poorly written, and then I'm gonna tell you how I would rewrite it in a better, more impactful way.
Alright, so the first sentence that we have, and again, this is talking about adjectives and adverbs and how much more powerful your sentence becomes when you start to remove those because they're gonna smother your message. So here's the before sentence. Our incredibly talented and exceptionally skilled team of designers passionately and meticulously craft, visually stunning and breathtakingly beautiful websites that will absolutely amaze and astound your target audience.
Okay, so that's a mouthful. And while the writer was trying to show how wonderful this team is, but really what they did is it just kind of went on and on and it, and it actually devalues the meaning of the sentence. So here's how I would rewrite it. Our skilled team of designers craft stunning websites that will wow your target audience, period.
Right? So way more simple. Way more to the point. And you sound a lot more confident when you don't use all of those, um, kind of fluffy, flowery words in there. So let's look at another example. The impeccably Clean and refreshingly modern design of our new office space promotes an intensely productive, wonderfully collaborative and wholly satisfying work environment.
Okay, so again, we have a clunky sentence. It's just too much. Here is the better version. The clean, modern design of our new office promotes a productive, collaborative work environment. Okay, so that just gets the point across much more clearly. And again, it sounds more confident, it sounds more powerful.
Let's look at one more example. So here is the before version. Our team of writers whose talent is truly beyond measure and whose dedication is incomparable, will meticulously construct engaging in utterly compelling content to powerfully convey your brand's message. Now, here's the better version. Our dedicated writers will construct engaging content that conveys your brand's message.
Done, period. Do you see how quick that works when you start to cut those adjectives and adverbs, even though it feels like you're taking away something from the sentence, because maybe you thought really hard to put those adjectives in there and, and it feels so descriptive and it feels like you're adding.
This is one of those cases where subtraction is actually adding, so writing can be that way a lot. When you take away something, you can often add the punch that it really needs. Now, if you are going to use adjectives, there are some that are better. Than others. And here's what I'm talking about. If you're gonna be using adjectives, you want to use concrete adjectives rather than nebulous ones that are hard to verify.
So basically ones that are more of a matter of opinion, they tend to tend to be less strong. So what are concrete good adjectives versus squishy bad adjectives? So the concrete ones that we wanna use are things like blue wooden, shiny, leather bound, broken down, two door heavy, 24 karat, transparent, bitter, hairy.
Do you see the theme from all of those words? So yes, they are descriptive, but they're fact-based. They're, they're weighted, they're not a matter of an op of opinion. They're not desperate. They just are what they are. And what they do is create an image in someone's mind. So they add so much to your writing because they're helping to create that mental image.
And again, it's not about opinion. So let's look at some words that you need to steer clear of or just. Pepper them in very sporadically, right? You don't wanna lean on these a adjectives too much. So here's, here's an example of the kind of bad ones. So words like breathtaking, elegant, inspiring, sexy, delicious, wise, smart.
Stunning. Okay. Those are adjectives that you only wanna use every now and then if you want to be persuasive, because what we wanna do is we wanna show people how powerful the product or services or what whatever we're writing about is and. It's counterintuitive, but the best way to do that is to not sound like you're trying, desperately to convince them.
Okay, so when you are cutting out those adjectives, a good rule of thumb is to keep the concrete adjectives, but take out as many of the nebulous, squishy opinion based adjectives as you can. So instead of using adjectives and adverbs, use action. Verbs instead. So what do I mean by that? Verbs are gonna power up your sentence.
They're gonna make it punchier. They're gonna make it more entertaining. They're gonna make it better all around. So instead of using an ad verb, I'll give you an example here. So let's say your sentence says he's spoke quietly, right? And the adverb is quietly there. Instead of saying he spoke quietly, you just wanna say he whispered.
Right, so that's a better verb there. Rather than having two words, you can just consolidate it into one more powerful, more evocative word. So whenever you can do that, when you're, whenever you can change out an ad verb for an action verb or a more powerful verb, you want to do that. So let's look at some ways of how you can exchange adjectives for an action verb or a phrase.
I am gonna give you a few examples of these so that you can understand what I'm talking about. I know sometimes the terminology gets a little, you know, kind of hard to follow, but here's some examples to help lock these in place. So before we have an entertaining book, that's the before phrase, the better option might be to say a book you can't put down.
So if you compare those, an entertaining book versus a book you can't put down saying a book you can't put down is just more entertaining. It's more powerful. It's got a little more punch than just explaining that it's an entertaining book. We're actually showing them. So another example is a gorgeous dress versus a better way to say it.
Address the turns heads. Right. So you start to get images in your head, it just sticks with you a little bit better 'cause, and you've even got a little bit of story in there, but it's something you can relate to. Rather than saying, oh, I've got a gorgeous dress for sale, you can say, this dress turns heads.
Right. So it's just a better way to say it. Another example, a heartwarming story versus a story that warms your cold black heart. So the second one is gonna be a lot more visceral for the reader. Rather than just saying a heartwarming story that's super cliche, it could mean any story, um, but putting a little more.
A little more mph to that sentence is better. So another example, a suspenseful novel versus a novel that keeps you guessing till the end, right? Just a different way to say it, but the second one is more powerful and has a lot better chance of keeping a reader engaged. Alright, so let's, let's expand these to sentences.
So the before sentence that we're working with here is we're developing an innovative technology, innovative being the adjective here. Now how I would write it. I would say we're developing a technology that will reshape the world. That is a more powerful way to say that sentence. So rather than saying, oh yeah, we're innovative, you say We're reshaping the world, it just lands different.
Another example, she delivered an inspiring speech, perfectly fine sentence. The better way to write it and how I would write it is she delivered a speech that lit a fire in the hearts of her audience. So there you see, you have a little more action there. You've got a better mental picture, and it just adds more to the sentence.
Let's look at other ways that we can fix the too many words problem. Now, here is something very quick, easy and simple. You are gonna cut out all of these little tiny words that you don't need. These are lazy words that have no business being anywhere around. So this is one of the easiest ways to edit your work, is to go through, and I want you to get rid of all these words.
Okay? I'm gonna give you a little list of them. And you'll see what I'm talking about. These words dull the edge of your writing and they don't do anything to help you make direct, bold, clear statements. So, and you know, we recall, we call these filler words. They're just totally useless. They include a bit, kind of, sort of really very, fairly, pretty, a little more or less, somewhat and quite.
So that's just a short list of words that you can almost always leave out of your writing. I'm gonna show you again, let's do, I think the best way for me to show examples of how writing works is to do these before and afters. So we're gonna go into, So before and afters of this as well. This is an interesting topic because I believe in writing like you talk, but there are just a few things that we say when we talk that don't need to be in your copywriting.
And these words are, some of them, I know they come out a lot when we're speaking, but we don't want them in our writing because it just mucks things up. It's too many words that don't need to be there. And again, it actually has a negative overall effect for your writing. So let's look at. A before sentence.
I think it's very important to take breaks somewhat regularly. Now, the better way to say that, the way that I would write it is it's important to take regular breaks, right? Just say the damn thing. So instead of being like, oh, it's very important to take breaks somewhat regularly, no, this is, nobody knows what that means, right?
It because you're canceling things out and you're qualifying things in ways that are confusing. Just say it's important to take regular breaks. It's clear. It's direct. Another one. This is the before sentence. This is kind of a crucial step in the process. So what, which word do you hear there? It's kind of, that needs to be taken out.
So what do you say? You say this is a crucial step in the process. Let's look at another one. Alright, here's the before sentence. He's sort of the best player on our team. Quite talented, really? Now how can we say that better? What we would say is he's the best player on our team. So when you're writing powerfully, you're saying the damn thing.
You're not putting in all those wishy-washy, nebulous little filler words to water down what you're saying. You wanna say the big powerful thing. So one more example, the before sentence is, I'm fairly certain that we've more or less achieved our goals for the quarter. Now what do we say instead? What's the better way? It's, we've achieved our quarterly goals. That is the way that you wanna write that sentence.
Let's move on to one of my favorite grammar issues to talk about, and that is active voice versus passive voice. Now, If you don't remember what active and passive voice is, active voice puts the subject of the sentence in the action taking position so you know exactly who's making the action that is happening in the sentence and passive voice instead kind of obscures who is actually doing the action.
So I'm gonna do, I'm gonna show you a few example sentences of active versus passive, and you'll start to understand what I'm talking about. And this. I see this all the time in copywriting. I think it's a way, again, I think it's a way of not being direct and not saying what you actually mean, and so you need to almost always write an active voice when you're copywriting.
Now there are. Times where you want to use passive voice. And I'll talk about those after we discuss active voice because there, there is a reason to use it. Um, but we don't wanna do it in copywriting most of the time because active voice is going to create bold, direct, engaging writing. Passive voice is just indirect, it's unclear, and honestly it's just kind of wimpy.
So here's an example of a sentence that is written in passive voice. The wine was drunk by him, all of it. Okay, that is passive voice. Now, the way to say that an active voice is he drank all the wine, right? So we're putting him as the person who's acting. When you say the wine was drunk by him, that is kind of confusing or it's just, it's putting him later in the sentence and we don't wanna do that.
The more direct way to say it is he drank all the wine. Alright, let's look at another example of a passive voice sentence. The proposal was rejected by her. Okay, that's passive. The active voice is gonna be, she shot down the proposal faster than a rogue asteroid. Okay? So that's a good example of how active voice is just putting her into more of an action role.
So another example of a passive voice sentence is the karaoke microphone was monopolized by her all night. Okay? And the active way to say that, the way to say it in active voice is she hogged the karaoke mic all night. Okay. It's just more clear, more direct. You understand what's going on. All right, and then our last passive versus active voice example is, here's the passive voice.
A spicy love letter was written by him to her. Now here's how we say an active voice. He wrote her a love letter, so spicy, it could season a burrito. All right, so hopefully that helps you understand what active voice sounds like versus passive voice. Okay? So it's really just who is acting in the sentence.
So keep that in mind when you're writing your sentences. Now let's talk really quickly about when you might want to use passive voice. Now it's kind of a tactical, um, tactical way to write and. It's not usually used in marketing, but you might wanna use it when you want to as avoid assigning blame. Or responsibility to somebody.
So if you're really not trying to put all the blame spotlight on someone, you might want to word something in the passive voice. So here's what that would sound like. In passive voice, it would say the payment was not processed correctly versus the active voice, which would say you didn't process the payment correctly.
So you see the passive voice where you say the payment wasn't processed correctly. That doesn't put anyone at blame, and it's just a neutral statement, whereas the active voice does assign some kind of blame, right? You're saying you didn't process the payment correctly. Another time that you might wanna use passive voice is when you want to be diplomatic or tactful.
So here is an example of the passive voice. So a mistake was made in the calculations and the plane went down. Okay, so we're not putting anybody in the action seat there. Yeah. Now the active voice version of that sentence is gonna be, Brendan made a mistake in the calculations and the plane went down, you see?
So that is very, very different in terms of how you're saying what went on. So you're putting someone directly into the action there. So if you're trying to be tactful again, you might wanna go with a passive voice. So that's really the only time I would use it. Otherwise, I'm sticking to active voice all the time.
The last segment of how to fix too many words is location. So I want to talk about this because it's very important when you are copywriting. So, What I want you to remember is that the first words in the line of your sentence are the most valuable real estate. So you want to cut to the chase very early in the sentence because if someone's gonna read your sentence, there's a chance that they might only read the first.
Few words and then they'll kind of trail off at the end. Um, so you wanna make sure that the first words in your sentence, the ones at the beginning of the line, are very powerful in that they're gonna get the gist of what you're trying to say as quickly as possible. So when you look at your copy, look, scroll down the page and make sure that the first three words say it's the first three words in your headline, the first three words of a particular paragraph.
All of those, you wanna make sure that those words matter. You wanna make sure that they carry weight. So what does that look like? Again, let's go back with the examples and let's look at a few before and after. All right. So instead of saying when you wanna relax after a long day, nothing beats our ultra plush bathrobes.
So considering the location principle, the better way to write this is unwind in luxury after a long day with our ultra plush bathrobes. In the before sentence, the first four words were, when you want to. Yeah. Now you don't get anything from those words in the second sentence. The first four words were unwind in luxury after, right?
So even though, um, you know, you're not getting, you don't hear about the bathrobes or whatever, you get the message that you're unwinding in luxury, right? So that is very powerful. So let's look at another example. Here's the before sentence. Our team is working tirelessly to provide you with the best customer service.
Okay, so what are the first words there? First words are, our team is working. Not so bad, but let's see if we can amp it up. So here's how I would write it. First class customer service is our mission and our team is on it around the clock. There we go. What are the first few words of that sentence? It's first class customer service is.
Okay, so you're getting the sense of what it's about already from just the first few words of the sentence. Okay. One more example to prove this point. Alright. The before sentence is gonna be, after extensive research in numerous trials, we found that our fitness app significantly improves workout efficiency.
Okay. Again, not a terrible sentence could totally work. However, a better way to say it is this. Okay, supercharge your workouts with our new fitness app, A Game Changer, born from countless research trials and testing. Now, do you see the difference in the improved sentence? Those first few words are supercharge your workouts.
Okay. So if they don't read the rest of the sentence, they at least know that what we're talking about is supercharging the workouts. Whereas that beginning sentence, the first few words were after extensive research in numerous trials, right? So that's not telling them anything. They're not getting anything from that.
So just keep that in mind. It's a good rule of thumb. Um, and it can be a way to fix your, especially your online copy. So think of that, switch your words around if they need to, and make sure those beginning sentence, the beginning of your sentences, are really powerful. Another place that this comes into play is in your bullet points.
So again, another really common problem. So people get really excited about putting the bullet points in, especially when it comes to sales pages, landing pages, things like that, and that's awesome. Bullet points are great, but you can royally mess them up by. Putting too many words in the beginning of each bullet point.
So what do I mean by this? It's gonna be hard to say it. This is when I wish that I had a screen sharing system on this podcast, but we're gonna work with audio. I'm gonna read you the before bullet point list, and then I'm gonna read you the after, before it's gonna say, in this course you will. And then you're gonna have a colon and you're gonna start your bullet list.
Learn how to save more, learn how to invest your money and learn how to expand your wealth. Those are the three bullet points that you've got on your sales page. Now what's wrong with that is you've got learn how to on every single bullet point, and you can nix that so that the bullet points are more powerful.
So what you want to do instead is to rewrite it so that it says, in this course you'll learn how to. Colon, and then your bullet points are save more, invest your money and expand your wealth, right? So we're taking that visual of each bullet point, and you're putting the most powerful words at the very beginning, right after the bullet point.
Okay? So instead of having, you know, repeating the same thing over and over again, you want to cut that out, put it at the top, and then have your bullet points be much more powerful. All right, so that is our crash course in how to remove too many words, useless, filler words, all that good stuff. I hope this has been helpful and you'll be able to go back and look at your copy and make some major improvements If you haven't signed up for my newsletter yet.
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